I was thinking today all day long, all tiresome long hours long, about my looming problems. Problems after problems after problems. They overwhelm me. Then I got to thinking about my friends, acquaintances, and people I’ve heard of through the form of gossip and rumors about their problems. Problems after problems after problems. It seems the only thing we can really count on from this world to give us in heaping portions are whole silver platter or deep bucket FULL of problems! Great. Just great.

What disturbs me most about my problems is how I try to hide them from the world. I’m almost programmed to act this way. Someone will greet me, “Hey Esther! How are you?” And like some recording machine in a far off land where I can hear the voice and make out the words I’ll say without skipping a beat, “Great! How are you?” But in actuality I have no idea who said that. I’m not okay. I have had one of the worse weeks ever! I want to complain about my problems until the cows come home. But I don’t do that. I smile. I make courteous small talk. I nod and politely wave goodbye. In my head I say I’m tough. I don’t show emotions to people I hardly know or even do know. I hold it all in. When in the world has it become the norm to hide our problems as if they don’t exist? Isn’t it so much harder to share with others our struggles, our plight, our pain? We are almost all programmed to “take it in,” “take it like a man,” “roll with the punches,” and of course “fight the good fight.” But the truth is some days are just too darn tough to fight alone.

I used to have a close girl buddy whose name I will keep anonymous for her privacy. Although we are no longer friends I still love and respect her from afar. When I was down on my luck with my cancer diagnosis I made some poor decisions. Instead of helping me at a time I had a hard time dealing with my problems I felt judged by her. It was a misunderstanding at best but after several attempts she refused to befriend me. The reason I bring her up is because just recently I found out the real reason she avoided me. She would rather forsake our friendship than to admit her problems. I found out through a reliable source she went through a divorce around the same time she and I had our misunderstanding. I remember her going out of her way to make it appear like she had the perfect relationship with her husband. I also remember her being there for me, drying my tears, buying me food, visiting me at the hospital, running my errands even with her full time job. So my heart hurt for my friend! Yet she never sought me out because she didn’t want me to find out about her problems. To this day I pretend I don’t know and she pretends like she’s still married.

The people who scare me most are the ones who never have a hair out of place. They don’t have any lint on their perfectly polished black suits. No tears, no frowns, no worry lines, no bags under their eyes... ever. They tell everyone they are doing better than ever, their finances are soaring, their kids are the Dean’s list again, their marriages as hot and exciting as the first date, and that life is so fantastic they’re just bursting at the seams with happiness. Maybe they’re in denial. Maybe they’re full of it.

Being a model it has become a lifestyle to ‘appear’ and ‘look’ perfect as perfect can get. Well, after cancer and several harrowing reconstructive surgeries later its more than safe to say I am far from perfect. However, in my designer jeans, a form fitting top (with the right bra underneath!) and the small fortunes I’ve paid for facials and hair coloring... I was told the other day by the clerk at a neighborhood beauty supplies store that I “have it all.” I almost fell down on the floor laughing. I told her “looks are very deceiving.” Then it dawned on me that I am not the only one who wear their problems inward.

The hardest thing for all of us to do in this new information era with the internet, and texting, and the iphones, and emails, and webcams is to actually reach out organically and communicate. I know I have a problem opening up to people even to my so called friends. One, I’m afraid they will judge me and being human beings we almost always judge. And two, then they will know my pains, my struggles, and God forbid that makes me vulnerable. There’s ammunition right there to be able to hurt me. So we all pretend in some way to have it all so that no one can get close enough to hurt us more than we’re already hurting? Is that why we fake it the way we do? Bottle it all in? Maybe it has something to do with appearing tough? Or even insecurity? Maybe we all think no one will respect us if we show weakness? But is it really a weakness to have pain and struggles?

Whatever it is it isolates me and everyone else. I wish we could all share our problems more, be less ashamed of them, do much less judging and a lot more understanding. It’s been a blessing for me to share my story and struggle with surviving cancer here through these excerpts. The biggest support I felt were from the emails with people who had similar struggles and they shared their stories with me. I no longer felt so afraid, alone, and the pain seemed to lessen. Thank you again.

I thought hey if I got the worse news anyone can ever get- “You have cancer” and survived that then I can tackle any problems right? NO! I still have problems. Personal problems, family problems, business problems, consequences of having made poor decision problems, the list goes on and on. I can’t begin to tell you how wrapped I was about my problems this week.

Then I got a text from a friend. He said he couldn’t reply to my previous texts because he’s having problems. He said he doesn’t want to talk about them and that was it. I texted back I’m having a profoundly tough week myself and do not want to talk about it either. That was it. Hours later I felt ashamed of myself. That was really my cue to be there for him (if he had allowed me to) but instead I chickened out because of my own monumental problems. What made it even that more poignant is that he’s one of the very few people I would actually allow into my life without being too petrified because he’s been ‘real’ with me. No ‘fronting’ or trying to be something he’s not. That’s probably why his text made such an impact. It also made me kind of sad we’re all programmed to push people away when we need them most. Why do we only show ourselves when times are good?

I’m writing this today in hopes that when you read this, you and I can start a chain reaction of being more open and honest to the people around us. I do not mean go tell all the strangers at your neighborhood Starbucks about your high blood pressure. I mean being more mindful of those around you, your friends and family. Share your problems, your worries, your pain and allow them to share theirs. Furthermore, when your life seems like its spiraling down that is a sure sign to share your problems with someone. I am also a pupil in this lesson. Some people WILL judge you. Some people will NOT understand. Some people might even criticize you and lecture you. But in the end, it is worth the effort to share our problems. Why? Because no one, absolutely NO ONE is perfect. We are doing the right thing by reaching out. And whether we get help or not its healthy to share. I truly believe and I know in my heart that when we reach out to others in need especially in desperate need, God will find the right person- to send us a message. The message will be uplifting enough for us to hang on, turn those mountain problems into molehills, clean out that heart full of anger, mistrust, and misery! Let God work his miracle back into your life by allowing someone to see you a little less tough, a little less perfect, a little more vulnerable, and a lot more human.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19

“The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.”
Psalm 116:6

I can lament all day long about how my life sucks. Wait, I already did that ...let’s see... on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, wait on Tuesday too! Come Wednesday I started getting fed up with myself and now onto Friday I have finally stopped the ‘oh woe is me’ badgering. Instead I try to find all the things I am grateful for. I’m not saying this gratitude thing forms over night. Clearly for me it took longer than that!

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Thessalonians 5:18

From saying grace before every meal to being grateful for having clean running water and a roof over my head... however basic it may be when I am hurting the most I am also at my most grateful. I think it’s because that’s when I open up my eyes to see the things I have taken for granted along the way. Inundated with problems, I try to turn my focus to the things that are going right. And chances are you too have taken things for granted. How do I know this? Because if you’re living in the United States right now chances are you are spoiled in your own right as well. Problems will always be with us but if we piggy back gratitude right on top of pesky problems and share our problems with others who care... life really isn’t that bad. Let’s keep saying that until we believe it. Life really isn’t that bad. Life really isn’t that bad. Do you believe it yet? Really, life really isn’t that bad. =) Thanks for stopping by.

Gratefully yours,
Esther Hwang

“Green is the Way, the Only Way.”

I have been extremely busy lately working on new projects. Just when I thought I have enough on my plate along comes an opportunity I can’t refuse. I am leaving for Paris, France in end of May! I will be gone for almost a month. I landed a gig out there where I’ll be working for an international skin care and cosmetic line (name to be released later- I am under contract now). And of course along the way I will shoot for all of you- another addition to the Photo Book series. From the ultimate romance inspired city of Paris to the sweeping French Riviera and maybe even to Saint Tropez... I will bring back delicious pieces of France with me to share with all of you. The photo books are primarily all lingerie and glamour shots with some swimsuits but the backdrops will be breathtaking. I’m releasing these in lieu of swimsuit calendars I used to do in the past. With New York’s photoshoots under wraps and now France glistening ahead... I think this will be my best year yet!

I will continue with my excerpts while on the road. I am excited about my trip but I am a little overwhelmed. There’s so much to do before I leave. For instance Pandora’s Hope- my non profit needs much attention but I have to go abroad right now. My team and I are working on getting funding and the red tape is gruesome! Then again, the morale is high because I know we’re getting close to our goal! In terms of what Pandora’s Hope is all about... we made a final decision that we are to be a GREEN non profit! We want to help the environment which in turn helps all of us. After surviving cancer, I can’t think of a better way to give back by trying to keep all of us from unnecessary pollutants and other cancer causing elements. If any of you know of any specific groups in the bay area that may need our help (once funding is secured) please email me esther@esther.com. Stay tuned. More to come about Pandora's Hope soon!

I decided to go green with my non profit because I have adopted that earthy, healthy, pro environment lifestyle and so far its been rewarding! I have to admit my life was very different before I got sick. I didn’t care too much about the consequences of my not so healthy decisions. I never thought about hugging a tree or looked into the hippy mentality even as a UC Berkeley student! I thought I’d be invincible forever. I used to smoke cigarettes in college mostly to suppress my appetite to stay rail thin for fashion photoshoots and runway work. I used to eat whatever and went on all types of extreme yo-yo diets. My weight fluctuated and so did my mood as well as my sanity! From crazy exercise regimes that probably hurt me more than helped me I had it all so wrong! And of course being true to the stereo typical model lifestyle I partied like a rock star and well, I’m sure I don’t have to spell it out. Let’s just say I took my body to the precipice of no return and by the grace of God and Him only I’m sure I’m here to write about it. Had I not been told that I have a condition that will eventually kill me if I did not do something about it (i.e. surgeries) and drastically change my lifestyle then well, I’d be lucky to see another decade. Talk about sobering news!

It was in my natural inclination to gear towards anything bad or self destructive. I don’t know exactly why except perhaps what I do for a living... modeling... induces and promotes that type of self abusive behavior. And the worse part is I was good at doing bad things to myself! Ugh! And as shameful as it is I have to admit I prided myself in being able to party hardcore and ‘hang’ with the best of them. Now I cringe at the thought of all that I put myself through.

You know how I have a JD from law school? I was thinking how smart could I really be if I had to be told I will DIE if I don’t change before I actually changed? I know most of you reading this will prove to be smarter than me by making better, healthier sound and deliberate choices to improve the quality of your life. I never knew this other type of lifestyle existed out there... good, holistic, natural, pure, healthy, a better way and the really the only way to live.

What do I do now that is so different and healthy?

Instead of smoking cigarettes, I do cardio. I love to run and swim. I also enjoy walking for long distances. In some vain but sincere hope I think I can reverse the damage I did to my lungs over time. BTW, cardio is the best youth night cream in the world! haha
Instead of eating whatever is fast and available, I go to the natural foods grocery store (Whole Foods, Berkeley Bowl, Trader Joe’s, farmer’s markets etc) and stock up on such items as fresh fruits, veggies, wild fish, organic chicken, lean meats, yogurt, organic juices, and multi grain and/or whole wheat carbs. I learned to cook! I enjoy making healthy simple meals I usually can’t find dining out. If I am dining out, I try to stick to lean meats, high protein, and low carbs.
Instead of binge drinking (partying at a club), I don’t drink at all or have a glass of wine with dinner.
Instead of taking prescription strength pain killers that numb not just the pain but all my senses which can be dangerously habit forming, I take over the counter pills (i.e. Alleve, Advil) on the really high pain days. And the other days I grit and bear it. Or I go in for a massage or detox at the steam/sauna room at the gym.
Instead of living my life on the fast lane where I’m irritable, tired, and barking at everyone I have slowed down considerably by taking a day off, taking spa days, making time for family, and caring for my beloved pets.
Instead of working until I drop, I plan longer times in between photoshoot sessions and try avoid people who stress me out. Toxic people suck!
The list goes on and on.

What are the benefits of adopting this healthy lifestyle?

I am no longer on ANY type pills and free of anti depressant pills! Praise God!
The natural high of good foods and exercise keeps me going so much longer.
I can fight off allergies and common colds and if I get them I can usually kick them to the curb fairly quickly.
I have more energy. No super high superficial highs and no down in the gutter lows. I am in the middle pretty much all the time so I feel level headed.

It took some time but now I love to work out. I love walking my dogs and enjoying the outdoors. I love detoxing and eating healthy and organic. I love NOT having to diet anymore! I love that I can still enjoy a natural high.. like the way I feel after a good workout. I love to be able to sleep soundly.

But really the absolute BEST part about going healthy is that I am CLEAR IN THE HEAD! I feel good about life and have way less anxiety. Alcohol or any other controlled substances (for me it was a slew of pain killers my doctors prescribed) really affected my psychological well being. I felt depressed, lethargic, and restless. Getting off those prescribed medications was by far the most difficult thing I endured in my whole life. It was HELL for a while as I was in my own little Esther Rehab. But I am finally feeling the full beautiful aftermath of my sacrifice and the pain was worth it! A day WITHOUT pain and NOT on any pain meds is becoming a norm for me now. It wasn’t like that for years. If you’re just sitting there and you feel zero pain and you’re not on any pain meds... you are having a blessed day and a blessed life! If you want to ENHANCE your life and make it better ... if you take consistent healthy steps like starting a different health conscious eating habit along with moderate exercise and taking a few steps back on the alcohol or cigarettes or whatever... I GUARANTEE it will change your life, change the way you think, change the way you are! You will be more confident, capable, and certain. Things that get you down won’t feel nearly as traumatic or dramatic. You will be able to cope with the things life hurls at you because your good defenses are up to protect you because you’ve taken care of yourself.

Please do not misunderstand me. First, I am no saint even now with this newly adopted healthy GREEN lifestyle of mine. I was out partying not too long ago before I was genuinely disgusted with myself and cut that out completely as well. I do not pass judgment on you or anyone if you don’t want to change your life and go healthy. For Heaven’s sake I had to be told I have cancer before I made the change!

Some years back I used to date this health nut for a short while. Although I feel somewhat gracious to him today for teaching me some healthy eating habits, I look back at him with kind of a disdain. Why? Because he forced me to change my eating habits and all my habits. I resented him for that. I felt like he was making me do something I was not ready for or felt open to. And because of that and the fact I had the sneaky suspicion he just wanted some kind of ‘control’ over me and not that he really cared for me... I don’t have too many fond memories of him. Sad, isn’t it? With that said, I would not want to force you or anyone to adopt this lifestyle if you’re not ready. If you don’t want to quit smoking or whatever else, don’t. That’s right, don’t. You have to do it for you. If you do it for someone else, your girlfriend/boyfriend, your Mom, your whoever it does NOT work. I just hope you don’t wait until the Dr. tells you that you absolutely have to quit eating bad foods or stop smoking or eating desserts or whatever else or suffer the major and sometimes irreversible consequences. Life is so short and so precious.

Everyday that I steer away from self destructive life choices I am one day closer and one day farther into receiving the ultimate high and that is blessings from God. The bible says our bodies are living temples for God.

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

In essence, that means we have the responsibility to take care of our physical bodies. Why? Because in each of us we have the capacity to dwell in our physical human form the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is essentially God who resides in you. And would you want God- the creator of ALL things- who comes by to be your guest and even permanent guest to reside in your run down, shabby place where no one ever dusted or mopped or took out the trash? Okay how about this? The Holy Spirit in you can also be a feeling deep in your heart for a thirst that yearns to be quenched. You know how you have that longing feeling for something and no matter what you do it feels empty? You can try drinking it away, or drugging it away or eating it away or starving it away... but that void that feeling of sheer longing and ache will still be there. You know why? Because we were built to seek something higher, something bigger, something omnipotent... God. I didn’t know this but taking care of myself physically is actually something I am doing to please God. And when you please God he will bless you with unexpected joys beyond your imagination!

I still struggle with temptation time to time for my old lifestyle. I remember the high highs, the fun, the excitement but then I also remember the sweat and tear drenched bed sheets, the uncontrollable shaking, the inevitable muscle ache pains that swallowed me up whole for hours on hours end. I know I made the right decision to choose life. I may not be in the fast lane but that’s okay too because I don’t want life to go by in a blur anymore. I want to savor every last drop and every microcosmic minute.

Everyday on this road to recovery and redemption is tough but the rewards are worth it. I know because I am finally feeling the beginning stages of it as I’m getting my health on a route I never knew before and to know that this is just the beginning keeps me on this course undeterred.

Green is the way. It's the only way.

Thanks for stopping by,

EH

I’ve been getting some really great feedback/emails to these excerpts. From inspired people to fellow hurting people I have been blessed with all your responses. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to care. I am so deeply touched my story has affected your lives even if in a small way. Just to know that I have made an influence warms my heart and inspires me to keep going. I can’t always respond to your emails but please know I do get them. My email: esther@esther.com. I read and treasure all the emails. Thank you!

The moon last night was magnificent! Solid, perfectly round, and immaculate. Shining over the darkness it illuminated most of the night and gave the entire sky a beautiful dim glow. It took my breath away as I admired it driving back home from visiting my parents. It made me start thinking about how we ALL have something good in common- at least we have the moon. We all bathe in its glory and rely on it to light up the night. It reminded me that in some cosmic way we are all tied together destined to live on this earth- right here, right now. And yet it seems we have so many problems and issues with each other. Whether it’s acquaintances, friends, family members, random strangers or just from watching the news much of the drama and heartaches in our lives it seems is created by someone else. The source? A toxic person.

A toxic person is someone in your life that makes you miserable. We are all confronted with toxic people on a daily basis. It could be a rude bus driver, an angry clerk, a haughty bank teller, a jerk of a boss, a road rage driver, a back stabbing coworker, an insensitive Doctor, a pessimistic friend, a leeching family member the list goes on and on. They are everywhere. They have poor attitudes and our misery is their gain. They usually are so miserable with their own lives that drawing us into their hell hole is their unintentional and/or intentional goal. They are usually tense, upset, very negative, hopeless, pessimistic ALL the time, and look for anything negative to say about other people. Did someone get a divorce? They are the first ones to gossip about it. Did someone get laid off? Did someone’s house foreclose? Did someone get cancer? Oh goodie! This is their way of feeling better about their own lives. They look down other people and put them down as they relish in their misfortunes. Toxic people are toxic because no matter how much you guard yourself one or two of them can and will affect you. So beware!

For instance, I make a conscious effort to be kind and considerate to everyone I meet while I’m running errands. Whether its a grocery clerk or nail salon lady or booth toll operator or a retail manager or a waitress/server I try my best to smile, make light talk, and have a pleasant experience. But some people are far too caught up in the drama and trauma of their lives to be pleasant back. That’s a fact. So instead of taking it personally I try to shrug it off and usually I’m pretty good about it. But once in a while their toxicity and negative energy rubs off on me and I get upset. Or when a friend or family member gets to be toxic that’s when I get so affected I can’t function.

After cancer- my Doctors, therapists, nurses, herbal specialists, and so on ALL agreed on one thing. They told me that I have to live a stress free life as possible. They all agreed that stress can indirectly cause cancer and with me in remission I HAVE TO be as toxic free as possible. So for me, avoiding toxic people is not just a side note but a survival skill. As I struggle with it I thought it would be helpful to share these thoughts with you so that you too can steer away from toxic people and live your life as stress free and care free as possible.

When we are faced with people I realized that we can’t EVER control how they act or react to us but we have the choice of how we can respond to them. Just because someone is rude to you doesn’t mean you have to be rude to them. I am having a nice day so why should I let that angry person’s attitude affect me? If he/she has brought their anger and bitterness to their professional work they obviously are not being very professional, right? So instead I try to think about how this person allowed the struggles of her/his life eat away all the joy out so that there’s nothing left to share with the world except their bitter disposition. And I’ll be damned if I get the short end of the stick with that person’s negative regurgitation! So next time your faced with a not so pleasant person who is dumping their you know what on you... let it slide. It’s not worth the aggravation or rise of blood pressure.

But the real kicker is when a friend or family member is toxic. These people are tough to let go. For example when a friend is hurting from a bad business deal, or a break up, or health issues... they may come to you for support. I am not saying to stay clear of people in need. We want to be there for our friends. I’m talking about when they are ALWAYS this way. Do you feel drained and depressed after spending time with this friend? Does this friend constantly talk about negative things? Does he/she only bring up tragedies and misfortunes that fall on other people? This friend is toxic. And although you can’t ‘dump’ your friend you can build barriers and draw comfortable boundaries for yourself. Spend less time with the friend or limit the friend to just email or phone calls.

After being diagnosed with cancer, I realized the MAJORITY of my “friends” were toxic. They did a great favor for me by bowing out the minute they heard “cancer.” These so called friends were toxic to me in a different way. They were users, manipulators, posers, perpetrators, and fakes. One of the perks of having gone through cancer is that I did a clean sweep of fair weather friends. And although the majority of my ‘friends’ were gone it felt so good to see them go. It’s like when I had nothing left to offer being out of the limelight, not being beautiful or influential... they dropped me. Although at first I was stunned and hurt I can’t tell you how happy I am now this filtering out system got rid of the leeches of my life.

But then there are the toxic people who are almost impossible to escape and that’s because they are in your blood as your family member. I have such a pest in my life. This is the real reason I chose to write about toxic people as an excerpt topic today. And this is also the reason I can’t sleep. My toxic family member not only let me down when I needed him most (undergoing cancer therapy) but he took advantage of situation and betrayed me. I struggle with getting him out of my head and out of my life all the time. It’s especially tough to draw healthy boundaries when I have an insistent Mother who is always trying to “patch” things up. I have stayed up countless nights wondering what I did or say to encourage this type of behavior from someone I used to love so deeply. Whether it was jealousy or negative influence from his spouse... I may never get an answer because there isn’t one. If your struggling with a similar pain the only advice I have for you is to try and remember the good times with this person and FORGIVE him/her and move on.

The Bible says we must forgive.

“... clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which bind them all together in perfect unity.”
Colossians 3:12-13

I realized that when I forgive someone I am doing something noble, right, and proactive for ME. Just because I forgive him doesn’t mean I am going to open up my life to him and allow him to walk all over me. No. What forgiveness means is to let go of the anger, pain, sorrow, betrayal so that you can face tomorrow with a clean slate. A clean slate of being a good person so you can smile, laugh, share a compliment, focus on uplifting encouraging things, and try to spread a little joy out there. God knows this world needs it!

Praying for a more joyful world,

Esther

I spent many of my childhood years planning grand things for “when I grow up.” I guess I had to do that in order to get through some of the rough patches. My parents are from South Korea. For as far I could remember they struggled to make ends meet. And even then things were tight. So tight I had to make do with very little growing up. To give you an idea for the majority of my childhood years we lived in a bad neighborhood with black iron bars on all our windows and iron gates surrounding the entire house. I was NEVER allowed to play outside in the front yard but only in the back for fear something bad might happen to me.

I think that’s why I think I have so much compassion for the kids who live under the federal poverty guidelines here in the Bay Area especially around Christmas time. I probably was one of those kids. But its because of my humble beginnings that I appreciate everything in my life now. And I don’t mean just my wardrobe or whatever materialistic. I mean what being poor at one point did for my character. I learned the value of working hard (work ethics) and love. My parents never had enough money but they had a full measure of love for me every day. Furthermore, its that love that fueled me to believe in myself that eventually got me to do well enough in school to attend UC Berkeley on an Alumni Scholarship. And its also that love that made me confident enough to enter beauty pageants and start modeling. The rest is history.

Some people hide their “shame” of having been poor. I don’t agree with that mentality but I can’t really blame them especially if they’re Asian because its almost part of our culture to “hide” anything that might be shameful (as being poor) although ZERO percent of that is our fault. However I wear that badge of enduring poverty with pride today. Maybe its because I always had a good idea of my self worth and it has nothing to do with a dollar amount. My parents taught me honor and self respect and being a good person roots from honesty, faith, and living the Christian life. That is why it saddens me when people disrespect each other for having less or not enough. Or when people treat me differently when I drive up in a Toyota as opposed to a Mercedes. Wow this world is jaded! But if I had to do my childhood all over again I would still choose love over money. As a little girl I didn’t know I was poor but I sure knew I was loved! Rich with love. Today my parents are still together and we are very close.

The Bible says the root of ALL evil comes from the LOVE of money. It’s so true. I have seen the love of money twist and warp even some members of my own family into people I no longer recognize. It’s all sad really. What I’ve learned from overcoming cancer last couple of years is that God is meant to be LOVED, money is meant to be USED, and that life is short. That pretty much sums it all up.

I have been around some influential people in my life. Some were born into wealth and others are self made. From politicians, to movie stars, to professional athletes, to affluent CEO’s and in the end I discovered that very little of all that hype impresses me. I couldn’t care less about their money or fame. Why? It’s THEIRS NOT MINE. Still the media portray women who ‘look like me’ to react a certain way when a guy with power or money or both come around. All of it makes me sick.

I’m so sick of people assuming things about me that are pretty much BAD if not flat out INSULTING. Why is it so hard to believe some women are not gold diggers? That some models are not sex crazed maniacs? Some Asian women prefer to not get married instead of settle? That some women are inspired by good men who love their spouses and families instead of chase after younger women? I don’t understand where this world is headed. Our values are lost. Our morals are shaken up to the point we don’t know right from wrong anymore. No one seems to want to make money by good old fashion hard work. Everyone wants to go towards the get rich quick schemes involving fraud and lies. Am I the only one who sees this?

When I awoke from my cancer slumber (after that horrible tamoxifen therapy that had me asleep about 21 hours a day for more than half a year), I honestly wanted to go right back to sleep. After cancer nothing is in the gray anymore. I see things so black and white. So clear that I want to hide from the truths. But I can’t. I see it all. Some people will always view women as second class citizens. And if they are attractive women well then its a handicap if not a demented curse. No matter who I’m hanging out with (assuming he’s a guy) young or old people think I’m in sexual relationship with that man and that I have the moral scruples of the devil himself. I know its not supposed to bother me but it does. Its just demeaning, evil, and wrong.

When I was a little girl I’d ride my brother’s hand me down bike in big circles in my backyard because I wasn’t allowed to go outside to the bad neighborhood... and I dreamed of big dreams. Not so different from Martin Luther King’s dream. He dreamed of a world of equality without prejudice. So did I. Except I dreamed of a world where a woman might be looked at for her worth as a person. Not how much she can fill out a bra but rather that she’s a lot more than just a sexual object and thinking of her in just this specific way is WRONG. Just because we look good in a bikini doesn’t mean that is all we have to offer. I know I’m probably fighting a losing battle. And I’m somewhat of a hypocrite I understand as I cater to this ugly media as a great deal of my modeling career now involves swimsuit and lingerie. No wonder I strived so hard to achieve the education I did. I almost needed it to validate my self worth as human being to the rest of world and even then I’m lacking.... I remember I was asked more than once when I was a college student at Cal if I were VISITING from a neighboring Junior College. Then years later there were wages going on in my Law School of what year I’d flunk out or quit. Then again its the things people say I can’t do that has inspired me to reach for higher goals.

Not too long ago someone asked me if I find respect from others an issue doing what I do? I told him that even before I mouth the words “I am a professional model” I am judged because of the way I look. I told him the truth that people think very distasteful things about an attractive woman. And because I’m considered somewhat successful well then I MUST be either a home wrecker (one who dates married men for side perks) and/or the worse possible thing to be ... a prostitute! I think being Asian hurts me in this retrospect because how could an Asian woman be successful if she is not completely and totally devoid of morals? Because that’s all Asian women are good for right? God this world is just sick sick sick!

I know I’m venting here but I can’t help it. Then again a good friend of mine chimed in that I could have been born dumb and ugly. So I’m going to shut up now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Much love,
Esther

My modeling career as wonderful and giving as it has been has also become all time consuming and energy draining. I realized that lately that’s all I’m doing. And as much I love it and appreciate all its done for me, after cancer I know it’s not enough. Please don’t misunderstand me, I am in the process of revamping my website, working on the release of my “Photo Book” and following through with more photoshoots but all in all, I am preparing to take a step back.

I want to focus more of my attention to my non profit, Pandora’s Hope Foundation. I spear headed this charity in hopes of reaching out to the community about other local Bay Area charities. Pandora’s Hope is a Public Relations non profit specifically tailored to promoting and supporting charities through the media (yes yours truly as the host) and throwing fundraiser type of events.

There are so many people hurting. There is so much we can do for others in pain. In my overly self absorbed life where I am the product and star of www.esther.com, I find myself lacking inspiration. Modeling and law school... they are not enough anymore to keep me going. I need and desire to do so much more now but not just for my personal gain but for the benefit of others. If I don’t do this I feel as if I have no purpose, no drive, and no passion.

With that said, I am forcing myself to put the swimsuits and lingerie aside (haha) and make it out to some non profit charity events this week. Wish me luck! I am hoping to net work with the right groups and report back to all of you about how my progress is going.

In the meantime, if any of you can help me get Pandora’s Hope off and running I’d really appreciate it! As we all know everything costs money. Your donations will help me build the Pandora’sHope.org website. It will also allow me to find the right videographer(s) to shoot some pilot shows to show case to potential investors/donators and to the media. Lastly it will also help me put up the initial costs in organizing fundraiser events.

Your donations are deeply appreciated!! I will keep you posted.

“Yes, I would like to donate to Pandora’s Hope by clicking HERE.”

2 Corinthians 9:7
“...for God loves a cheerful giver.”

All my love in Christ,

EH

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. I apologize but believe me I tried to find something positive to write about. I searched high and low for inspiration. I got back from my New York City trip and thought I’d have so much to share but it’s been difficult to write. Professionally the trip was a success. I will be releasing my long awaited ‘Photo Book’ with the new images (in lieu of another swimsuit calendar) but personally I was hurting. And then it dawned on me that sometimes there is nothing to really be positive about and that is OKAY. And when I accepted that... suddenly I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders so that I can kick off my writer’s block and return to my place of solace... here with all of you. It’s okay to sometimes be overwhelmed, depressed, hurt, over worked, let down, cranky, upset, and just plain tired.

After my most recent reconstructive surgery it’s been a whirl wind of events. My NYC trip was successful but I underestimated the energy that it would drain from me. During the trip and after the trip I was absolutely exhausted. Nothing is as bearable or enjoyable when your body just doesn’t want to keep up. And I hated myself for not being able to follow through with my own schedule. Everything was a task. Everything was difficult and cumbersome. Although I accomplished a great deal on the trip and I don’t regret it I wished I planned it better so that I recovered from my surgery a little more before I embarked on that journey. You see modeling to me is physical work. I kid around that it’s ‘manual labor.’ I know many people assume its a lot of standing around under hot lights. But it’s more than that. It’s hours and hours of holding contortionist type of poses so the photographer can get it ‘just right.’ And when my body was telling me to take it easy I took it to NY and had three consecutive days of all day photoshoots. After that I just wanted to stay in, order in, and shut out the world. I over did it. I hate my limitations but I didn’t respect them either so I suffered for it. I want to fly away, dance the night away, and never look back. But this isn’t a Hollywood movie. It’s my life and like New York it can be gritty and tough.

I have struggled with depression all my life. Perhaps it roots from my roots- being of Korean descent I trace back my depression to my people. Korea has been through enormous plights of war, destitution, political mayhem, and profound socioeconomic changes and this is just in the past 60 years. I have coursing through my blood the struggles of my people and although I embody their strengths like perseverance and determination I also inherited a deep sense of great sadness from time to time. And so when my body had a small but significant relapse after my trip I fell into a hole of sadness that I am just now climbing out of. I am sharing this because I want to reach out to anyone who might also suffer from depression and let you know that sometimes feeling the misery is the only way to get through it. And going through it is OKAY. We can’t always be happy go lucky. We can’t always be on the ball, rosy posy, and happy. After all we’re all human.

What do I have be sad about you ask? When my body hurts and I have those limitations with muscle spasms that rack my body throughout the night and disrupting my sleep so that I feel like a walking zombie the next day and the next day and the next day... it naturally makes me sad. Pain equals sadness. Then I start doing that ‘Oh woe is me!’ internal talk... and then the rest is history with the whole cancer diagnosis. I start reliving the painful experiences of my life and then I’m a basket case. So how do I get myself out of this hole? I start counting the small but certain joys in my life. If you struggle with any levels of depression may I suggest you start your list as well? Here is mine in NO particular order:

1. My dog Toky. I have three pets but this one is my favorite. He’s a 10 LB Maltese dog. He has black button eyes and they look at me with unconditional love. He’s 11 years old! I love him. He’s the apple of my eye.
2. My parents. I know that they count on me. And being relied on and counted on reinforces my self worth. They remind me I have to take one for the team and keep moving forward no matter what it takes. That’s the Korean in me. It’s the good old duty of filial piety.
3. My fans. Well without them I’d be a mess. Period. They kind of take on this deep need and desire to be needed and desired since I never got married. They make my efforts to be feminine and physically attractive worth it. I love my fans whole heartedly.
4. My faith. God loves me and wants the best for me. I can’t live my life in despair. I owe Him at least a good effort to get myself out of this uncertainty. My faith in God really should be enough to defeat all depression.
5. My few but true remarkable friends. They know who they are. I don’t reach out enough to anyone but if or when I do, just knowing that they are there... is enough.

When I ALLOWED myself to feel pain, sorrow, misery, loss, worry, and so on ... only then did it free me. Ironic, isn’t it? It made me live life... because life is good AND bad. It’s wonderful and horrible. It’s everything yin and yang. We can’t just live life when it’s on the up and up, right? I’d love to but that wouldn’t be true to who I am. Denial isn’t really a big part of my life.

With that said, I think life is what we make it. If we choose to continue to be caught up in our own misery... it’s a life wasted. Sure everyone is entitled to a day off, heck even a couple weeks off (that’s what vacations are for) but we cannot allow ourselves to get deep in the trenches of sorrow and stay there.

I had every reason in the world to give up hope. My modeling career relied on my physique. In other words, I had every reason to give up on my self because I thought my life, my career as a model was over as I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And I have to admit I did give up on myself for awhile. I didn’t care too much whether I lived or died. That’s how pathetic I felt. I lacked all will to move forward.

After a few distinct near death experiences... with God’s help I chose life. I chose to fight the good fight. In fact, I’m still fighting it today.

Stay tuned to hear more.

Your fellow soldier,

Esther

I am leaving for New York in just a few short days. There’s so much to do! Between running around with my personal errands, family obligations, modeling work, recuperating from my last surgery, and scheduling photoshoots and other events in New York I have been over doing it. It makes me think about everyone else and how we all seem to be in a frenzy to do something, go somewhere, and get things done. It’s an insatiable battle with our over booked schedules and yet we fight it daily.

As I sit here overwhelmed with so much left to do and not knowing where to start... For example I have to pack for my trip- and for a model who does print work I like to take some of my own wardrobe so packing is a huge task. Also I need to fill orders - photos that have sold via my website and Ebay. This can get very time consuming so here I am middle of the night Thursday printing out photos, working on my schedule, and trying to pack. It is ridiculous.

So finally I take a deep breath. I force myself to put everything aside. When things get too hectic and everything becomes a huge ordeal and everyone wants something from you ASAP, I try and remember the time I was sick in bed. I know that sounds kind of morbid but please let me elaborate.

I was laid out in bed- sleeping 21-22 hours a day for almost 7 consecutive months in 2009 deep in hormonal therapy to combat cancer. It was a drug called Tamoxifen and it stole a good year of my life. Yes it was an alternative to chemotherapy but in my case it was severely debilitating. I had zero energy, no appetite, and absolutely no desire, will, or even the capacity to get out of bed. I never saw anyone socially and my mind was fuzzy all day long every day even for the few hours I was awake. I felt like a zombie, walking around barely alive. I wasn’t living. I was just existing. That wasn’t much of a life.

I only bring this up because now I’m so busy and I’m running around and hardly getting enough sleep and so thinking about that time I used to be laid out on my back .... really puts things in perspective.

For instance, why do we all multi task so hard? Especially women. Do we really save time multitasking? Why do we barely take time out to take care of ourselves? Like go to the gym or find time to cook a healthy meal or make plans to spend quality time with our loved ones? Has the economy gotten so bad that we sacrifice quality of life... relationships with people in order to make ends meet? Or are we just so caught up in the rat race we care less and less about friends and family?

When I was bed ridden all I could day dream about was being able to put myself together (put on makeup and pretty clothes and nice shoes) and be social again. Like I’d fantasize of being ‘normal’ with ‘normal’ things a young woman should be able to do like see my friends and do the things that we all take for granted. I actually fantasized about going to a friend’s BBQ, or going dancing at a club, or just meeting up a friend for lunch, or going shopping or the spa with a girl buddy, or catching a movie with another movie buff. All those things were physically impossible for me.

However, the irony is now that I’m starting to get back on my feet my natural inclination is to go go go again and get down to business. Work! Study! Petal to the Metal! Geez! Has cancer taught me nothing?! Please don’t misunderstand me I LOVE what I do- I love modeling and I love the people I interact with via my website but I realized I tend to neglect following up with friends and family in a social way. That’s all I would fantasize about when I couldn’t do it and now that I can - I put it on the back burner because I feel I lost so much time being sick. I have to model and be sought after by the industry again and I have to study for the bar and I have to take it in July and I have to pass it... I have to I have to I have to. I’m so sick of the pressure I give myself. Some of it is good I understand but most of it back fires so I sit around in pain late at night wondering why the heck did I over do it again?

I am sharing this tonight because I wonder what is it like for you? Do you take time to nurture your relationships? Everything worthwhile requires time including relationships. When I was facing unknown possible death... I never thought for one moment that I wanted to surround myself with all my achievements or diplomas or my salary or being on somebody’s VIP list.... I wanted to surround myself with people I cared about and loved and had special relationships with. Life IS ABOUT relationships. And relationships are about love.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender by body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easy angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

When I was very ill I had some key people in my life who helped me get out of it. Of course no ONE person was there for me ALL the time as that is humanly impossible (unless I have a husband and I don’t) but these key people are now more precious to me than ever before. We can all work hard and make more money but we can never ever be here in this very moment ever again with the people who are in our lives.

I don’t think it takes a near death experience (as it did for me) to figure out life is so much more than trying to better yourself by just being ‘successful’ in this world’s standards: money and/or fame. Sure material things can be good and necessary but it’s not more important than love. It doesn’t even come close. It’s about the people you surround yourself with, it’s about God, it about loving and giving to others. So at the end of your days you can rest assured there will be loved ones here to bid you farewell and more loved ones in Heaven to welcome you home. That’s what this life is - its a temporary transitional period where our characters are tested and then its about preparing for forever.

And so as I try and remember to find more JOY out of my over stuffed schedule before my trip... I have to remember I sure have come a long way since sleeping my life away. With that said, I just remembered to call my Mom in the morning to see her tomorrow and offer to take my folks out to dinner. I don’t have the time but I will MAKE the time. It makes me also recall that I promised a friend to stop by her house Saturday as she and her family leaves next Tuesday to move permanently to France. She’s one of the few people who stuck by me through the many hospital trips and surgeries. I’m going to miss her so much.

Cancer has taught me that life is not only short but so damn precious. And what makes it so precious are the lives we touch while we are around. Because we arrive into this world alone alone and we will all depart this world alone we owe it to ourselves to be around people we love while we are here.

I hope this excerpt has prompted you to remember those in your life who are special to you. Life is meant to be shared. Perhaps its time to MAKE time and spend some of that time with the people who will surround you at your weakest moment(s) and perhaps even at the end of your life. Your salary, your achievements, your 401K will be the last things on your mind.

I’m headed out to New York! I’ll have much to write about my trip so check back soon.

God bless and love always,

Esther Hwang

To all my dearest Friends and Fans,

THANK YOU with all my heart for the flowers, cards, emails, prayers and well wishes!

My recovery is slow but progressive. The toughest part so far is not the dull aching physical pain but its the elusive art of doing... nothing. The obstacle that beats me up daily is the sheer ability to simply sit, relax, and heal. I just can’t relax.

I am having the kind of anxiety that has been ALL consuming. The kind of anxiety where I lay in bed for hours listening to the booming silence of my bedroom. All I can feel is the chilling pitch darkness of the air that envelopes me as I pray desperately for sleep. The kind of anxiety where all I do is think.... think.... think.... too much and can’t relax, can’t sit still, and yet can’t (under Doctor’s orders) do very much to do something about it i.e. work out. It has been so frustrating! It’s also the kind of anxiety that when I do fall asleep I have disturbing dreams and so I wake up restless and dissatisfied. And then I wonder about everyone else and how tough life can be no matter who you are and what you’re doing because the ONLY thing that I am required to do lately is to relax and I can’t even do that! Indeed life is tough!

I don’t care who you are... no one is invincible from the pains of this fallen world.

Recently a friend of mine nonchalantly stated that God cursed me with some tough times (I’m sure he was referring to cancer) and that maybe I’m just doing the best I can with the cards I was dealt with. It got me thinking.... Is it really God who has cursed me with all the struggles of my life? Then what about all the good things that has happened to me? Does he bless me than curse me? Curse me than bless me?! NO! That can’t be right.

The Bible says difficult times are to be EXPECTED from this fallen world. In fact, God uses these trying times to mold us and shape us into (hopefully) better people. So my time now- the anxiety filled restless days- and the dull physical pain that still annoys me... is really just God FILTERED. God never intends for us to be in pain or to hurt but He allows it so- so that a bigger good can come out of it. I believe that whole- heartedly! God is about love, forgiveness, and everything GOOD so that the pains of this world is lovingly filtered by Him. I believe that if it were not for God I would most likely be in a WAY worse situation. Who knows? I could have never found about the cancer until it was too late.

Did I mention how I found out about my breast cancer? This is how God works... and how the story goes.

I started modeling when I was 15. By the time I was in my early twenties I was modeling for swimsuit companies and catalogs. I decided to get a breast augmentation to further my career. Some years later these implants by medical standards are required to be switched out. And so I got them replaced with new implants. AFTER I had them replaced and while into my second augmentation a lump was detected and that is how I discovered I had breast cancer. (By the way breast augmentations have nothing to do with breast cancer so don’t worry!) Breast cancer does not run in my family and I am far too young to get mammograms. So the story goes if I never started modeling, if I never had my breasts augmented, I would have never discovered about the cancerous lump and I could most likely be dead in a few/several years. Who knows? The point is God worked in my life where what I do for a living- modeling- actually saved my life.

But please do not misunderstand me... because I hate that I have something seriously wrong with me. I hate that I can’t be perfect. I hate that I’ll never ever be physically perfect ever again. Maybe that’s where a great deal of my anxiety is rooting from. I know it’s vain, it’s stupid, and its horribly narcissistic but I can’t help feel this way.

I engaged in retail therapy earlier today. In other words, I went shopping. While I was breezing from store to store I realized some people were looking/staring at me with either admiration or jealousy or a little bit of both. Whatever the case I felt like my HUGE imperfection could not be detected to the naked eye but its still there... in me... and I wanted to reach out so bad and let people know I AM NOT WORTHY TO BE JEALOUS OF! Stop staring at me... stop thinking I have it all because I don’t! I too have faults and things NOT to be coveted. You see all the celebrities out there? Well, they have their demons too. Don’t be fooled by the magazines and those Hollywood shows. So stop coveting other peoples’ lives and just live your own to the best of your ability. I sure am and it’s a struggle everyday.

And so I got to thinking about my faults and the big question of WHY God chose me ... a MODEL to deal with such a huge physical imperfection? I found my answer... It’s in 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10. Just to give you a brief background of these verses the great Apostle Paul wrote this book and although he was basically a SUPER STAR who literally wrote half of the New Testament... he too had some sort of severe physical flaw. He pleaded with God to take it away....

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

These words make me cry. Truly if everything I ever needed or wanted or coveted in life were given to me on a silver platter I would never grow, never learn, never appreciate, never need God. I feel as though I have been chosen to be given this great flaw- breast cancer- so that I will always rely on my God because only through Him can I find the strength. When I am weak I lean on God and through his grace I find whatever it is I do to make it to tomorrow.

So my dearest friends I know life is tough. Sometimes you wonder where the silver lining is and why everything on some days are so darn hard? Maybe for you its financial struggles or an illness or family problems or a shattered relationship or just plain depression. Whatever it is I hope you find some comfort to know I UNDERSTAND and if it took me cancer to figure this out and reach out my compassionate heart then certainly God has already made me into a better person! I get it. I know it. I am here to advocate that although life is full of left hooks and sucker punches its only possible to fight back by accepting that we are NOT perfect. We ALL have flaws, some more transparent than others but our imperfections are still lurking there somewhere. And only through God can our weaknesses be made into our biggest strengths.

In the midsts of my anxiety melt downs I got an email from a prominent agency and photographer in New York City who want to shoot me. With my imperfect surgery racked body and all the scars I now embody almost like the tattoos I never got I am going to the big apple next week for a photo shoot. Life is so strange. Being a cancer survivor I am STILL wanted in my cut throat industry. THANK GOD!

Wouldn’t you know it? Writing this down and letting you all in my life has appeased my anxiety and I know I will sleep tonight with the sweetest dreams. Thanks so much for stopping by.

All my love in Christ,

Esther

Beauty is pain. Then as sadistic as this sounds I have condemned my life for pain. Too bad for me beauty has come with such a huge price tag. Not just literally but more so emotionally. I feel so wrung out and strung out. Geez... I should write a song about all this.

I want to write something today because my last excerpt has just been so ... depressing. I want to focus on some of the good things that pain and perseverance has taught me. There is a silver lining even to physical pain. First of all there’s a pay off. I will be almost put back all together again like Humpy Dumpy. My modeling career will not suffer much. And somewhere somehow amidst the pain and torture of suffering through all these surgeries I have gained a self awareness of my limitations that somehow makes me a more sound and stable individual. My self esteem and self worth is believe or not at an all time high. Who would have ever thought knowing my limits would make me stronger? It has.

For instance I know now I can’t do a bunch of recreational what-have-yous and get away with it. It’s not only just not worth it but just plain stupid. Then of course it took cancer for me to cut all that out permanently. I respect myself and my body. I have come this far and taken my body to the precipice of death so to speak so why would I want to hurt me all over again? Sure I have temptations but they usually go away when I start thinking about how much pain I’ve already endured. The image of shaking uncontrollably with sweat profusely coming out of ever single one of my pores is not attractive to me. Go figure.

Being in the modeling industry drugs are an ubiquitous element... It’s almost a prerequisite because in many instances it’s just NOT natural for a young girl to look that skinny. This industry is so screwed up. Thank God I have learned the art of working out. It took years for me to figure this mind boggling fact- working out actually works!?! Who knew? Furthermore I moved onto “Glamor Modeling” the kind FHM and Maxim profits millions of dollars on. Sexy but not nude. Glamor modeling has enabled me to gain a few pounds (in the right places), work out, and not have to be on crazy yo yo diets or be on diet pills or worse.

I pray for the young girls today who start modeling as a career. It’s a tough career choice. I know many of you think its just a great deal of just standing around in tight clothes and having fans blow your hair around with hot modeling lights overhead. Sure that’s some of it but most of being a model, the not so transparent side to the end product you see in the photos is the lifestyle behind it. Did you know most models are really insecure about the way they look? I know .... we have people fawn all over us and yet we’re the ones pointing out the tiniest flaws in our photos because they jump out at us like a blaring red flag. Damn we’re tough on ourselves.

But I have to admit there are some really great perks. I have worn clothes worth as much as some cars. From couture dresses to one of kind weddings gowns to the most exotic very politically Incorrect furs... some of the fashion still visit me in my sweetest dreams. From the kinds of priceless shoes most people only see in magazine embraced my feet... the softest touch of the rarest silk enveloping my skin, to the most elaborate fabrics of lace and chiffon and velvet from the most sought after designers on this planet... Oh I can go on and on.

Also there’s the social night life. Everyone wants to be your friend because you not only look like the girl in the magazine who has come to real life you are her. Being that girl with the face on the cover of calendars (with national distribution for 7+ years) and with the body that filled out that bikini in swimsuit ads and catalogs.... suddenly everyone at the front door of any club anywhere in the world is nice to you. Whether its in Paris, Milan, New York, Singapore, Hong Kong... it doesn’t matter everyone wants to buy you a drink. Everyone wants a dance with you and treat you like a good time because that’s exactly what that savvy marketing director created when he created the image that is you. Wow what a blast!

So have I made you feel a little less sorry for me? Did you forget at least for a moment I am a cancer survivor? GOOD! And although I am still in this cloudy dull inescapable pain and I force feed myself because nothing tastes very good I have given in to whatever it is I am suppose to endure. God willing its pain I accept with no reservations. It is what it is. Yes there are days I scream and cry and want to beat something up but all in all I love my life. As I sit here now with this broken scarred body I am so grateful to still be a model because I love what I do. I love how God made me and I love being able to share it all... even into the darkest depths of my private life finally out here in the open with you. If cancer is what it took to bring me out of my private little shell then so be it - it has already served a profound purpose! Praise God!

Thank you for inspiring me to share my story. Until next time I leave you with these words when you too feel beaten up with the unfairness of life:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:2

Humbly yours,

Esther Hwang

I’m back from the hospital. And I’ve been having a serious “case of the reds” as so eloquently stated by Audrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” I just can’t help it. Pain brings out the worse in me. I’ve been irritable, unhappy, violent, angry, and very difficult to be around. I know I’m not supposed to say all this but it’s true. And although I know the results from Dr. Charles Lee’s work has been BETTER than I had hoped for I don’t know why I can’t be over estatic with joy. Believe me I am relieved and happy my reconstructive breast looks good maybe even great it but I just feel so beaten up, bruised, and sore all over. Between ‘going under,’ the surgery, and now deep in the trenches of the recovery stage I am not in a good place. I just have to grit and beat it I tell myself.

Also I am doing this without any pain killers. I know that sounds crazy but after so many surgeries I found myself addicted to prescription pills in the past... It took all that I am, every molecule of my being, every morsel of my will power to kick those pills so I refuse to put myself out there again. And the “Esther Rehabilitation” was tough! I just went cold turkey one day and had fits of violent shakes and my clothes were soaked through with sweat. For weeks I endured that so that I could be completely drug free. So the thought of going through that again is not an option. I’d rather put up with the pain. And so as I am just going with the flow... I have to admit the flow right now REALLY SUCKS!

I am in pain and tired but can’t find relief so I lie awake a lot and think about how much this hurts and why why why. Why me? Why the f... me? UGH!

And although today I wish I had something more uplifting to share I don’t. But then again life is NOT a bed of roses. It’s okay to share when life sucks too. My body hurts, I am exhausted, I cry, and I cannot find relief.

Then my thoughts turn to God and the verse "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path straight." With that said, I know God will never, never forsake me or you.

Yes, people have let me down lately but I have to remember God still loves me implicitly and He won’t ever let me down. And although I feel beaten up, bruised up (quite literally), and abandoned and alone because I feel no one truly understands...I know still I am loved. Peter tells us to cast all our anxiety (and depression) on Him because He cares for us (I Peter 5:7) and "The God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." I Peter 5:10.

What would I do without my God? Geez... nights like this I’m so grateful to have Him. Without him I’d quite literally go mad.

On a brighter note, I am planning a little get away trip with just my dogs to Napa Valley early next week. I’m going to shut myself up in a cottage somewhere and perhaps there I will find peace. Enough peace even if mingled with my pain to learn something to share with all of you. Life is meant to be tough. I just hope I’m tougher so that I come out stronger on the other end. Wish me luck my dearest friends.

God bless you.

Esther

This is my story. It all began March 2008 when I was diagnosed with Stage I Breast Cancer. I say my story began then because that’s when I first embarked on this thorny road to finding out what life is really about. Before then it was all about bettering myself to become successful to make more money to get more education to get get get. I was convinced that the more I acquired and achieved I would make myself supremely happy and live happily ever after. Boy was I wrong.

I have had a full time modeling career since signing with an agency at the age of 15. So how ironic is it out of everything bad that could have happened to me, out of all the sicknesses and ailments and diseases of the world to plague me at such an early age- it was BREAST cancer. I need perhaps my breasts a little more than a woman who doesn’t model swimsuit, lingerie, and form fitting clothing for a living. It has been sobering and humbling to say the least.

So why am I sharing my story now? I always knew I’d end up sharing my story- whether its here on the net or via a book one day. I feel its almost my duty to share my insights and the things I’ve learned along the way. And it begins today because you see on February 24, 2010 at 7:30 AM I go in for my fourth reconstructive surgery. This time I am ready and certain good things will follow like never having to do it again. But in light of another surgery in the morning it does something to someone getting ready. It makes everything so clear almost poetically transparent. And to even set the mood it’s raining outside.

I think about the people who have been in my life. The friends who have made a difference in this long struggle and the friends who left me behind. I think about some family members who hold my hand through surgery after surgery and others who refuse to even visit me in the hospital. I think about my animal children and what would happen to them if I never came back home. I find myself preparing for almost the worst but expecting the best. My law professors would be proud of me as its in an attorney’s nature to prepare for the worse- litigators devote their weekends to this.

And so as I embark upon another ‘going under’ and the inevitable pain and cloudy drugged out weeks that lay ahead I want this chance to at least tell you some of the things I’ve learned so that all my struggles to fight (and overcome) cancer would not go in vain.

First and foremost there’s a God. For sure. I’m not much of an advocate like I have to kind of admire some people who can start preaching and put it so out there. Not me. I’ve been pretty quiet about my faith... well until now I suppose. I think it’s because when the end looms a little closer it’s best to figure out what on earth am I here for and what’s the purpose and where am I going after I die? Without God I would just be a breathing form of molecules and mass. But with God in my corner, I have a soul and no matter what, this soul is in good hands. With that kind of peace and stability it’s much easier to come out a fighter no matter how bad the circumstances. And believe me it was BAD.

One minute I was on the top of the world and in the next the cancer diagnosis dropped like some atom bomb. That same year I had just graduated from Law School- had a promising job with my former boss (Mayor Willie Brown) offered to me as an associate attorney at his booming law firm, I had a lucrative modeling career going strong, I had just bought my little dream home and filled it with everything I ever wanted, and had the love of a man who asked me to marry him. In one clean swipe ... it was all taken from me. A little before the cancer diagnosis came the awful news my brand new condo suffered severe water damage and everything I owned was destroyed. Then the man I thought who would love me forever- left me after my cancer diagnosis.

Now looking back I realize the idea of being considered not ‘on top of my game’ was more frightening to me than the cancer diagnosis itself. My pride back then had no bounds.

I can now pack one suitcase, have my cat in her bag over my shoulder, my purse, and my two dogs each on their own leash and walk over to my car and leave everything I ever owned and thought I couldn’t live without... behind. I couldn’t care less about my designer clothes and thousands of dollars worth of furs and furniture and shoes... I felt like Job in the Old Testament. The kind of test where God takes everything- my materialistic things, my health, and even my looks... to teach me one solid truth- life is fleeting. In the Bible it says its like a vapor. Poof! And we’re gone.

It took many months of rehabilitation to wean myself off potent painkillers. I spent most of 2009 in bed too weak and tired from surgeries and various therapies to even care about the way I looked. In place of the couture designers gowns I graced on runways and at photoshoots, I was in paper thin hospital gowns. Instead of the cheer of the crowd after a Fashion Show all I could hear was the dull whining from machines (for endless tests) and the engine like hum from hyperbaric oxygen chambers. Instead of makeup artists and hair stylists fussing over my perfectly painted face I had Doctors and Nurses fussing over me with scalpels and tubes. In place of glamorous parties and certain party favors to make me feel good, now I was given drugs to take mandatorily and it did nothing but make me feel numb.

I can finally write some of this down perhaps because I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to make it and I can’t believe my test is almost over. And still, even in the face of death, even after the many complications from a couple of surgeries that went oh-so-wrong, even as the Doctors took my breast away... I never ever forsaked my God. Like Job I followed through.

Earlier tonight- or this early morning I couldn’t sleep with so much going on in my head. So I jumped on the treadmill like I sometimes do in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. While sweating, panting, running, I started crying. And these were absolute tears of pure joy and relief. I have made it. I am fighting the good fight. I am going in tomorrow to get my last procedure done. But this time I’m going to come out so much clearer because I have a sense of purpose! I know now life is not a series of achievements. It’s definitely not about money or some job or about popularity. Who cares?

Life is meant to be loved, cherished, and never taken for granted. In the bible it says even the hairs on our heads our numbered. Every time I wash my hair where a ton of my hair fall out I think about that.

I am still modeling full time. Thanks to my Doctors, reconstructive surgeries, and cutting edge technology I have been allowed me to look okay again. I lost 30 pounds while I was going through all my surgeries then I gained it all back with the hormonal drugs they had me on plus 20 more! It took many months of rehabilitation and regaining my strength to sculpt and build my muscles and so the quest for that perfect elusive body continues!

I am planning to take the Bar in July this year even if I don’t feel prepared.

I am also working on Pandora’s Hope Foundation- a non profit that I spear headed to give back to the community.

I am still single but hope to find that special someone. I intentionally turned down chemotherapy so that I could be a Mom one day.

After my surgery, after I’m up and around I’ll continue this. I hope the beginning of my story has spoken to you. I hope no matter how hard your life must seem right now... there’s is a silver lining. There has to be. I am living proof.

Lastly, thank you to my FANS.... Boy everyone should have fans. They gave me more love, inspiration, and hope than ANY of my friends and family through this ordeal. They love me no matter what and for that alone I’m forever gratefully YOURS!

God bless and love,

Esther

True Reflections on Beauty - the Effervescent Esther Hwang

To understand the full beauty of San Francisco model Esther Hwang is to look beyond the outer brilliance of her piercing eyes and deep inside the woman. This is where you will find the true origin of her beauty.

Discovered at a young age in Los Angeles, Esther has evolved into a stunning model known throughout the world for her elegance. Gracing the covers of magazines, appearing in television shows and movies, modeling for some of the largest fashion names and running her extremely successful website, www.esther.com, is by all standards impressive, yet there is so much more to this woman.

A honors graduate of the University of California at Berkeley; Esther is graduating from San Francisco Law School on June 10, 2007 with a strong focus on practicing in either the Entertainment or Corporate Law. She has her eyes on passing the bar exam in February 2008 and also has ambitions to serve in San Francisco politics one day in the near future. Perhaps Esther has been most noted in the bay area for having worked as a Field Reporter for “49er’s Insider” on Fox Sports Net and for the honorable Willie L. Brown Jr., former Mayor of the city of San Francisco.

Esther recently signed with North Beach Models Agency and will be gracing the cover of their 2007 swimwear calendar. This comes on the heels of producing her personal swimwear calendar for the past six years.

Esther is actively pursuing a music career with plans for a CD release in the coming months. For more on Esther’s blossoming music career, check out Music.

She’s also found a recent talent for design, offering her personal line of swimwear- appropriately labeled Esther Swimwear available through her online boutique at her website. Finally, she also offers her own designed jewelry line, Esther Charms also available through her online store.

Esther maintains a strong faith in God and uses this faith in her professional life as well as in many other areas where she has the opportunity to support and give back to the community. Perhaps of most visibility is her leadership in the Esther.com Christmas Toy Drive for under-privileged and abused children of the San Francisco Bay area. She has hosted a fundraiser for the children for many years and continues to support these children and worthy area causes. Please visit our Community section on how you can help!

Esther resides in San Francisco with her “animal children” – two pampered Maltese dogs, “Precious Toky,” “Angel Baby,” and a rescued tabby cat, “Naughty Naubee.” Esther is single, never been married but holds on to the hopeful romantic notion that her Prince Charming is somewhere out there. Until then, she lives everyday as if it’s her last, enjoys the freedom and independence of being part of the triple minority- Asian, Female, and Beautiful.

When asked about how she accomplishes so much and maintains her energy, enthusiasm and passion for so many things, Esther points to her inspiration – her Grandmother, one of the first women Methodist ministers in South Korea.

Through a life of fashion, arts, entertainment, brains and her love of God, the always effervescent Esther breaks barriers and provides her fans, friends and many lives in the Bay Area with a true reflection of beauty.

Updated May 20, 2007