May 21, 2010
2:22 AM
I was thinking today all day long, all tiresome long hours long, about my looming problems. Problems after problems after problems. They overwhelm me. Then I got to thinking about my friends, acquaintances, and people I’ve heard of through the form of gossip and rumors about their problems. Problems after problems after problems. It seems the only thing we can really count on from this world to give us in heaping portions are whole silver platter or deep bucket FULL of problems! Great. Just great.
What disturbs me most about my problems is how I try to hide them from the world. I’m almost programmed to act this way. Someone will greet me, “Hey Esther! How are you?” And like some recording machine in a far off land where I can hear the voice and make out the words I’ll say without skipping a beat, “Great! How are you?” But in actuality I have no idea who said that. I’m not okay. I have had one of the worse weeks ever! I want to complain about my problems until the cows come home. But I don’t do that. I smile. I make courteous small talk. I nod and politely wave goodbye. In my head I say I’m tough. I don’t show emotions to people I hardly know or even do know. I hold it all in. When in the world has it become the norm to hide our problems as if they don’t exist? Isn’t it so much harder to share with others our struggles, our plight, our pain? We are almost all programmed to “take it in,” “take it like a man,” “roll with the punches,” and of course “fight the good fight.” But the truth is some days are just too darn tough to fight alone.
I used to have a close girl buddy whose name I will keep anonymous for her privacy. Although we are no longer friends I still love and respect her from afar. When I was down on my luck with my cancer diagnosis I made some poor decisions. Instead of helping me at a time I had a hard time dealing with my problems I felt judged by her. It was a misunderstanding at best but after several attempts she refused to befriend me. The reason I bring her up is because just recently I found out the real reason she avoided me. She would rather forsake our friendship than to admit her problems. I found out through a reliable source she went through a divorce around the same time she and I had our misunderstanding. I remember her going out of her way to make it appear like she had the perfect relationship with her husband. I also remember her being there for me, drying my tears, buying me food, visiting me at the hospital, running my errands even with her full time job. So my heart hurt for my friend! Yet she never sought me out because she didn’t want me to find out about her problems. To this day I pretend I don’t know and she pretends like she’s still married.
The people who scare me most are the ones who never have a hair out of place. They don’t have any lint on their perfectly polished black suits. No tears, no frowns, no worry lines, no bags under their eyes… ever. They tell everyone they are doing better than ever, their finances are soaring, their kids are on the Dean’s list again, their marriages as hot and exciting as the first date, and that life is so fantastic they’re just bursting at the seams with happiness. Maybe they’re in denial. Maybe they’re full of it.
Being a model it has become a lifestyle to ‘appear’ and ‘look’ perfect as perfect can get. Well, after cancer and several harrowing reconstructive surgeries later its more than safe to say I am far from perfect. However, in my designer jeans, a form fitting top (with the right bra underneath!) and the small fortunes I’ve paid for facials and hair coloring… I was told the other day by the clerk at a neighborhood beauty supplies store that I “have it all.” I almost fell down on the floor laughing. I told her “looks are very deceiving.” Then it dawned on me that I am not the only one who wear their problems inward.
The hardest thing for all of us to do in this new information era with the internet, and texting, and the iphones, and emails, and webcams is to actually reach out organically and communicate. I know I have a problem opening up to people even to my so called friends. One, I’m afraid they will judge me and being human beings we almost always judge. And two, then they will know my pains, my struggles, and God forbid that makes me vulnerable. There’s ammunition right there to be able to hurt me. So we all pretend in some way to have it all so that no one can get close enough to hurt us more than we’re already hurting? Is that why we fake it the way we do? Bottle it all in? Maybe it has something to do with appearing tough? Or even insecurity? Maybe we all think no one will respect us if we show weakness? But is it really a weakness to have pain and struggles?
Whatever it is it isolates me and everyone else. I wish we could all share our problems more, be less ashamed of them, do much less judging and a lot more understanding. It’s been a blessing for me to share my story and struggle with surviving cancer here through these excerpts. The biggest support I felt were from the emails with people who had similar struggles and they shared their stories with me. I no longer felt so afraid, alone, and the pain seemed to lessen. Thank you again.
I thought hey if I got the worse news anyone can ever get- “You have cancer” and survived that then I can tackle any problems right? NO! I still have problems. Personal problems, family problems, business problems, consequences of having made poor decision problems, the list goes on and on. I can’t begin to tell you how wrapped I was about my problems this week.
Then I got a text from a friend. He said he couldn’t reply to my previous texts because he’s having problems. He said he doesn’t want to talk about them and that was it. I texted back I’m having a profoundly tough week myself and do not want to talk about it either. That was it. Hours later I felt ashamed of myself. That was really my cue to be there for him (if he had allowed me to) but instead I chickened out because of my own monumental problems. What made it even that more poignant is that he’s one of the very few people I would actually allow into my life without being too petrified because he’s been ‘real’ with me. No ‘fronting’ or trying to be something he’s not. That’s probably why his text made such an impact. It also made me kind of sad we’re all programmed to push people away when we need them most. Why do we only show ourselves when times are good?
I’m writing this today in hopes that when you read this, you and I can start a chain reaction of being more open and honest to the people around us. I do not mean go tell all the strangers at your neighborhood Starbucks about your high blood pressure. I mean being more mindful of those around you, your friends and family. Share your problems, your worries, your pain and allow them to share theirs. Furthermore, when your life seems like its spiraling down that is a sure sign to share your problems with someone. I am also a pupil in this lesson. Some people WILL judge you. Some people will NOT understand. Some people might even criticize you and lecture you. But in the end, it is worth the effort to share our problems. Why? Because no one, absolutely NO ONE is perfect. We are doing the right thing by reaching out. And whether we get help or not its healthy to share. I truly believe and I know in my heart that when we reach out to others in need especially in desperate need, God will find the right person- to send us a message. The message will be uplifting enough for us to hang on, turn those mountain problems into molehills, clean out that heart full of anger, mistrust, and misery! Let God work his miracle back into your life by allowing someone to see you a little less tough, a little less perfect, a little more vulnerable, and a lot more human.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19
“The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.”
Psalm 116:6
I can lament all day long about how my life sucks. Wait, I already did that …let’s see… on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, wait on Tuesday too! Come Wednesday I started getting fed up with myself and now onto Friday I have finally stopped the ‘oh woe is me’ badgering. Instead I try to find all the things I am grateful for. I’m not saying this gratitude thing forms over night. Clearly for me it took longer than that!
“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Thessalonians 5:18
From saying grace before every meal to being grateful for having clean running water and a roof over my head… however basic it may be when I am hurting the most I am also at my most grateful. I think it’s because that’s when I open up my eyes to see the things I have taken for granted along the way. Inundated with problems, I try to turn my focus to the things that are going right. And chances are you too have taken things for granted. How do I know this? Because if you’re living in the United States right now chances are you are spoiled in your own right as well. Problems will always be with us but if we piggy back gratitude right on top of pesky problems and share our problems with others who care… life really isn’t that bad. Let’s keep saying that until we believe it. Life really isn’t that bad. Life really isn’t that bad. Do you believe it yet? Really, life really isn’t that bad. =) Thanks for stopping by.
Gratefully yours,
Esther Hwang