June 23, 2011
4:02 A.M.
Earlier today or should I say yesterday, I went to a meeting that has been in my calendar for quite some time. After flaking on him more than once, I knew I had to follow through at all cost. I woke up feeling extremely low in spirit and in energy. I have been over doing my work outs and the extreme pressure of meeting my www.esther.com revamp deadline on June 30th has me up late at night working away in front of my computer while calling and emailing like mad during the day. My sleep schedule has never been more backwards. Nonetheless, I did not want to reschedule this meeting so I forced myself out of bed.
The meeting was with an accountant who was gracious enough to want to help me since my non profit, Pandora’s Hope Foundation has been approved for tax exempt 501 (c) (3) status. However I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I arrived at my meeting about 15 minutes late. At a corporate building with many offices, I found the suite number I sought. The door said, “so and so and Son.” It didn’t say, “so and so”- I’m honoring some privacy and leaving the name anonymous. I walked into the office which was quiet and I didn’t hear anyone coming out to greet me for what it seemed like many long minutes. Then my accountant- who I was meeting for the first time walked out and shook my hand. He was very pleasant and was just like how I imagined he would be when we emailed each other. Then his Father (who I will refer to as “Father” from this point on) walked up right behind him and intently peered at me.
The Father’s demeanor, the way he carried himself, the refined nature of his tone and voice, his crisp business attire but mostly how he looked down at me made me feel very small. I think it had something to do with the fact he knew my former boss- the former Mayor of San Francisco, Willie Brown. He was apparently on the board of one of the biggest departments for the city for many years. The Father proudly stated he is 89 years old. Whatever the case, I felt like I was being grilled and interviewed and patronized for the next half hour or so. The Father asked me questions I didn’t know the exact answers to. He rebuked me for it. I tried to figure out the answers by talking about whatever the subject was in hand and he said I was not answering the questions. Then he complained how annoyed he gets when people never answer the questions he asks. He said he had to ask these pertinent questions otherwise he couldn’t help me. On and on he went about how I basically didn’t have my act together. Did I really go to Law School? Why don’t I know more about my own non profit? Why didn’t I bring the articles of corporation? Why don’t have minutes for any meetings we held with the board?
My body ached, I wished I had canceled that meeting after all and for a little while considered walking out of the office. I’m known to have a bad temper and when it blows… it blows. And this was not the confrontation I wanted or was prepared for or felt comfortable with. On and on the Father went with his abrasive questions and condescending tone.
I had a choice here. I could be the assertive person I usually am and say my peace and walk out. Or I can try and answer his questions, realize this is really just an old man holding onto his value and his service to his craft. And although I was upset I didn’t show it. In fact, I barked back answers best I could and tried to be calm. It worked. He backed off and I was able to talk to the son for the remainder of the meeting which went smoothly.
But that Father got me thinking…
Over the weekend, I took my Dad (and Mom) out to Father’s Day Dinner at a top ten steak house in San Francisco. The ambiance was incredible, the food superb, and the overall experience sublime. But in my haste and excitement, I left my brand new Samsung camera behind. It’s one of those really cool ones that has a screen in the front (as well as the back). I have never loved the quality of a point and shoot camera more in my life. I called the restaurant the next morning to inquire about my lost camera. They haven’t seen it. I thought in such a nice restaurant, they ought to have my camera. No such luck. I was devastated. I know it’s replaceable but it wasn’t just that I lost my camera… It was that I did it again! This is the THIRD camera I lost this year! I was so upset with myself – the question going over and over in my head- “WHY CAN’T I JUST GET IT TOGETHER?!?!” I just can’t seem to get anything together. What the hell is wrong with me????
And then of course the Father confirmed I don’t have much together at all. He laughed at me several times. He told me that I shouldn’t be going into business because basically from what he’s seen and how unprepared I was for the meeting I suck at it. Nice. Way to encourage us non profit peeps I thought. He often interjected how the economy is so bad I am bound to struggle because people will not donate or contribute. Great. More encouragement I needed. Wow what a great day. Not.
Even though it was indeed borderline verbal abuse, I am sitting here now in the middle of the night convinced to forgive him and move on. In some ways that Father had some good points. I don’t have all the answers about my non profit. I’m not quite sure what big expenses we’ve had or if I can even sign the Pandora’s Hope checks or when we can start hiring employees etc… These were good questions I had to follow up with my manager about.
In reflection now, I think perhaps it’s okay to not always have it ‘together.’ Maybe it’s okay to not be perfect and on top of our game at all the times. We’re human after all. I grew up in a family where if I brought home an “A” for whatever subject in elementary school, my parents would demand I go back and get an “A+.” As much as that fueled me, it also made me want to be an over achiever, perfect to my detriment in all other aspects of my life. And although I am grateful that my parents helped me strive for the best I can be, I realized that to this day I always feel like I’m never good enough or feel as if I am a step behind because somehow I have to makeup for my other flaws by over compensating somewhere else. It has been exhausting, unfulfilling, and not a healthy way to approach life.
I’ve had a full blown mastectomy on my breast during my fight with cancer. Many people think it’s just a lumpectomy but really part of my chest is completely hollow and only inflated through the supreme miracle works of reconstructive surgery. It has taken me well over half a dozen surgeries to look the way I do now and it’s still not perfect. I will never EVER be perfect no matter how hard I try or no matter what I do and no matter how many more surgeries I undergo. I will die imperfect.
So why am I trying so hard to be perfect in other places of my life when I have already lost the battle? I felt lacking and unsure of myself when I lost my treasured camera. I felt stupid and uninformed when I met with the Father. And yet as I sit here typing away and looking down at my imperfect body that has managed to keep going strong with a modeling career based on perfection … well, that gives me HOPE. That’s why I think I strive so hard at the gym. Why I strive so hard for the revamp of www.esther.com. Why I try to out do the best I can look or feel or write or run or model or be a dutiful daughter or a faithful friend and so on. My imperfections has made me so much more accepting of all the other imperfect aspects of my life. So I lost a camera, so I don’t know all the details of my non profit, so I have nocturnal behaviors, so I’m often 15 minutes behind with everything, so I am not perfect. Thank God I am not!
My non profit is about helping people who are hurting. How can I help anyone if I can’t first help myself? If I can’t accept myself and allow myself to have flaws and be imperfect how in the world can I reach out to hurting people who are imperfect as well? God works in mysterious ways to teach me how I can serve more effectively once Pandora’s Hope really takes off. I’m planning to host monthly mixers and fundraisers as well as some other bigger scaled events. I can’t wait!
I’m not upset at the Father. I know he’s old and he wants to help and he can’t change who he is. I’m looking forward to buying another camera. And although my body is not perfect- I rejoice and celebrate in it now because I am flawed, because I am human, because I am imperfect, and in that I find true freedom, peace, and release. With that said, I ask you to embrace all your short comings too and be grateful for them. It’s in your imperfections with the grace of God that make you, you. I understand that now.
“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
New King James version, Life Principles Bible
Thanks for stopping by. I hope you’ll enjoy my new website ready to launch on June 30th. My inspiration for the new and improved www.esther.com is about hope, survival, and finding peace and acceptance. I hope you’ll come out and support Pandora’s Hope Foundation- a place where imperfect people fit right in.
God bless and love,
E